Love and Respect - Chapter 1 Q&A

1. On page 5 Eggerichs shows a diagram of the Crazy Cycle. Can you relate to this in your marriage? Have you noticed that when you feel unloved that it causes you to act in a more disrespectful way? What works for you to break the cycle?

A. Yes, I have noticed the Crazy Cycle in our marriage. It is difficult to break even when I am fully aware of what it is. I know I can't break the cycle on my own, so I have to have some quiet alone time with God. I usually end up crying to God and sharing my feelings of pain and injustice to Him. Then He comforts me and tells me that HE is the one who will meet my needs.. Then I am able to forgive my husband, and love him even when I don't feel loved in return.


2. Starting on page 9, Eggerichs shares a story of how his wife gave him a gift and his reaction caused her to assume he didn’t like it. She assumed it because no one she was close to reacted with a calm thank you when given a gift. It was always received with much fanfare and excitement. Have you experienced this? Have you found that sometimes your husband acts in a way that is so directly contrast to the environment you grew up in, that it leads you to a conclusion that seems obvious to you, but is not actually a fair conclusion in the end?

A. Yes. I can't think of a specific experience right now, but my husband and I were raised in very different environments.. along with the vast differences between men and woman in general.. there are many instances of false assumptions and unfair conclusions in our marriage.


3. On page 10 Eggerichs points out that sometimes what we say isn’t wrong, but how we say it is very inappropriate. Have you seen this in your marriage? I can remember one time speaking something harshly to my husband and he looked like I had punched him in the gut. What I said wasn’t wrong, but how I said it was. Can you relate to this?

A. I have been told that I sometimes have a tone of voice or look on my face that seems inappropriate or even disrespectful. Even when my heart is right and I don't mean anything negative or disrespectful at all, it somehow can come off that way to my husband. It can be difficult trying to match up what I say with how I say it.


4. In the story of the author forgetting his wife’s birthday, I felt like his wife sort of tried to trap him into forgetting by hiding her cards the week prior. I think she actually was hoping that he would fail. Do you agree? If it was really about hoping that he would remember her birthday, wouldn’t she have left the cards out for him to see or mentioned something about it? Could that moment of pointing out to him that he forgot give her a feeling of power? Can you relate to this at all?

A. I kinda disagree. If I was the woman hiding the cards, I would do it to see what my husbands level of devotion was to me. I might be having doubts about his love and would desperately want to be proven wrong. I might feel that anyone could remember if the signs (cards) were left out everywhere, but only someone who truly loves me would remember with no sign of reminders at all. This would be my way of thinking. I am certainly not saying it is right in any way though!


Page 16 When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

5. Do you agree with this quotation? Have you found it materialized in your relationship with your husband? When you feel unloved, how do you most often react?

A. When I feel unloved, I usually feel unlovable. I am much harder on myself than I am on my husband. But when I am down, it brings him down too... and so the cycle begins. Overall, I agree with the statement. I believe that no matter how we react, the ultimate feeling that is felt is either unloved (for a woman) or disrespected (for a man). Meaning that even if a woman doesn't react in a "disrespectful" way, any negative reaction will FEEL like disrespect to a man. And any negative reaction towards a woman will make her FEEL like she is unloved.


Page 17 Unfortunately a wife’s usual approach is to complain and criticize in order to motivate her husband to become more loving.

6. Do you agree with this statement? I do not agree that this is a usual approach for women. I do not think women are naturally negative and critical. Those behaviors are learned, AND unlearned. As we grow in our life in the Spirit, I believe that any tendency we may have had before towards those things, is transformed and we become much more like Christ in how we motivate people.

A. 6. I do not agree with it in my own marriage. But I have seen this in other marriages. I wouldn't purposely complain or criticize to motivate my husband.. but when I feel unloved, I am certainly not at 100%. When my "love tank" isn't full, it is easier to let negative thoughts take over and fall into negative habits (It's harder to smile when you don't feel happy). But when it comes to motivating my husband.. I usually try to love him more, so that he can love me more in return.


Page 17 I often ask husbands, “Does your wife love you?” they reply, “Yes, of course.” But then I ask, “Does she like you?” And the answer usually comes back, “Nope.”

7. I thought this was a healthy, challenging idea. Does your husband know that you like him? This idea actually motivated me to take the time send my husband a text that I liked him. I want him to know! I want him to know by what I say, but also by how I treat him. What do you think?

A. If someone asked me those same questions about my husband.. I would reply. "I know that he loves me, but he doesn't always like me." I'm sure he would reply in the same way. But the thing is.. I DO like my husband.. I am completely obsessed and infatuated with him! But still, he thinks that I don't like him. I need to learn to show him according to HIS love language (instead of my own).


8. On Page 18 Eggrichs introduces the concept of unconditional respect. Using 1 Peter 3 as an example, he explains that even an unbelieving husband needs a wife who treats him with respect, and the Word actually goes on to say that respectful behavior is one of the ways her husband will be won over to Christ. We will discuss it more in the following chapters, but do you agree with unconditional respect?

A. I believe that respect is a part of love.You can't have true love without respect. I believe in unconditional love.. and this love is shown by respecting my husband. When I show him love in this way (by respecting him) he feels loved (or, respected, in his mind). So, yes.. I agree.


love-and-respect-chapters-1-and-2

.